Monthly Archives: September 2011

Caterpillar Series 3 – Fairy tales

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I just read @nakedconvos, ‘SCARS’. I hate such stories. They make me sad. For a silly reason, I know, but I don’t care. To sound more petulant, I’m listening to Anita Baker’s ‘Fairytales’ as I type, hating every guy that has ever been in my life, for good or bad. Hating them for hurting me, for not staying, for making me let go. It’s silly, I know. But I’m having a moment here, do you mind? *sigh*

When I was ypunger, I used to dream of the perfect romance. There was really not ‘prototype’ around for me to work with, so I made do with my wild imagination. And the 90’s Hollywood ofcourse. In my fantasy, I’d meet Mr. Right in early uni days, we’d either hate or love each other from the start, or maybe just be friends and grow into eternal romance. Either way, we’d both be kids and then grow old together. He’d know me in and out, love me through and through and be my dream come true. I’d be his biggest fan, his buddy, his sounding board and object of his maddest fantasy. We’ll go through hell together and stick together. We’d have stories of hard times, fun times, good times, crappy times… We’ll have stories of all the times! He’d watch me become a woman, grow and come into my own. I’d watch him become his own man, love and want to kill him at the same time all through, but I’d never want to leave him. He’d protect me with his life, swear to die for me and mean it. We’d have our 5th year anniversary before we finally tie the knot. We’ll be happy together.

It didn’t happen that way. At all!

I was single for all of my teen age years (if you don’t add the dysfunctional liaison bit) and most of my twenties. The relationships I’ve had haven’t been the most fuflfilling. There was always one key ingridient missing… He likes me but I couldn’t see the future with him in it… I like him but he didn’t think I was ‘the one’… We like each other but… And everytime I cried my heart out with blood, I told myself Mr. Right was out there somewhere. Until I stopped being 20-something. Now I know he’s run off and married someone else. Now I have to wait for the realistic, pragmatic man in his 30’s that has his life mapped out and just wants to settle down. I can’t be caught wanting butterflies, giddy laughter and dreamy looks. I must be insane to want soft kisses and gentle brushing of my cropped hair. Why would he just hold my hand and watch me blush? When he has board meetings, client sites and probably 2 other chics waiting for the opportunity to show him how good a wife they can be? Probably better than me. Cos, I’d rather a washing machine than my hands in lather. Not like I grew up pampered… But I do love an opportunity to laze around.

So, here I am, angry and disappointed in my fantasies. They led me to this point where I’m not even sure what I feel about what I think everyone thinks should be what I should consider my prioroties where family is concerned. Worse of all, I can’t every grow up with him, ever! He’s all grown up now, and so am I. We have few tales to share. We’ll never take aimless meaningless walks non-stop for days… We’ve got work and other things. Plus Lagos isn’t that safe, is it? You see what I mean? I’ve been cheated out of this game. By myself, by my choices, and maybe circumstances. Bottom line, no longer living life in ‘paradise’, no fairytales…

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Caterpillar Series: 2.0 – Greedy Green Goblin Mine

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It just so happens that green is my favourite colour. Light shades of green. There’s something quiet and demure about it. Its pretty, it’s not overly sugary sweet (I’m not overly sugary sweet), it’s cool and refreshing. It’s kind of like me. It blends. Anyway, I digress…

I want so many things! *sigh* Sometimes I feel like I’m a city spirit stuck on a village farm with no transport out of the jungle for the next century. *sigh* I’m really not bound by anything but me. But… *sigh again* I really need to live my life. And I know how. I guess I should start, shey? Anyway, this post is about all the things I think I want!

1. I want to be rich!!!!
I realised that this is not really based on how much I earn right now. I believe that everyone has an opportunity to be rich. I won’t say more than that.

2. I want to be a private ‘socialite’
Whatever that is supposed to mean. Bottom line, I wanna have my private life, but then, I wanna be in the recognised in the ‘circles’ for my amazing accomplishments (structuring the biggest deals ever, overwhelming charity works, role model-ish kinda things). I admit that the feelings that come with this are not that bad. I don’t like to be in the public eye, but I do enjoy being talked about, for good. So, yeah, public mouth will do 😉

3. I want to travel the world!!!
Boat cruises, 24 hour flights to exotic locations, world tour like vacations, 10.00 a.m. deal signings in Tokyo after a 9.00 p.m. deal closure in Brussels the day before, family trips, tourist attractions, 2nd, 3rd, 15th honeymoons, the whole works! Take loads and loads of pictures, shopping!!!!! Yeah, that life… I want it too. 🙂

4. I want my own Jolie-ism
I definitely am adopting, not sure I’ll be doing Vietnam though. I understand the pain of living without the warmth that family brings. I’d like to prevent that for some kids. Apart from adoption, I wanna be actively involved in foster care. I have a few ideas of my own about how too…

5. I don’t know how to tag this so I’d just explain it somehow. I have a bit of it already and I’m expecting it to increase in its magnitude. I want to wake up happy, joyful and delirious with gratitude every morning. I have such a great life already and it gets a lot better everyday. It’s not without the ups and downs of everyday life. Still had a teary moment a few minutes ago while introspecting on a few minor details. I like it that way. I don’t want a fairy tale. I prefer this charmed life that I’m living. I’m growing, I’m more aware, and I’m loving. Me, my life and the amazing opportunities I have! It does get difficult at times. But the beauty of life is in both the sweetness and the pain (life and sex have a lot in common, you see 😉 ). And I’m game for it.

I recently got to the end of the dark tunnel towards the end, it was a lot of nothingness… But, I’m out! This caterpillar is soon sprouting wings!