This is a lont thing…
I couldn’t do the 30 Day challenge anymore. Lost steam quite early. Let’s say my issues caught up with me. I have so much of them lately. This post is about them.
Oomf once told me (on FB) that writing is cathartic. I never forgot the word. I used to say writing helps me purge my soul. Now I know its called catharsis. Anyway, this is the start of a new series. It’s not for your entertainment. It’s for my sanity. So, please don’t like my pain. It may sound offensive. I’d appreciate encouraging words though. You never know. Even God used an ass.
Ok, so I sound a bit caustic tonight. It’s cos I’m in pain. Self inflicted excrutiating pain. Its needful. I need the discipline. Where am I?
I’m in a good place. A tight place, but good place. I thot I had it made, was gunning for the life of my dreams, until 2 years ago when it all stopped making sense. I became dissatisfied and restless and wondered why. Then curiosity killed the cat. I got busy quickly, with loads of wrong choices that made the downward spiral all the more painful.
It took a while for me to see the writing on the wall. I had opened up the canker, I had to see this through and deal with it. No amount of escapism would postpone the unavoidable. It would just make it worse. (You were never an escape).
Ok, I’m speaking code again, I know. Where do I start from? *sigh*
Lemme put it this way, I got some kind of early midlife crisis. I think. The past 2 years have taught me that what doesn’t kill you will hurt like a b”+*h. But you gotta stay strong. Too muchs betting’s on you. Right now, I’m still job searching, officially bankrupt cos I’m technically insolvent. And everyday, I go through the despairing process of picturing someone doing what I’d give an arm to be doing. The depression makes it hard to get off the bed. I just wanna lay down and not move till it all passes away. But that aint gonna happen, so I get up anyway. I got lucky though… I had one thing to look forward to everyday. But I had to give that up too. That’s what hurts now. But it’s not half bad… At least now I know there isn’t nothing I can’t give up. You know this saying, he that is down..? Well, I’ve gone beyond ground zero. Technically, there’s no diff between -10 and -100. I’m kinda like -90 now. But I know my redeemer lives. And he will not let my soul see corruption. My dearest friend, Moji, told me my experience is common to the path of greatness. I know there’s something special about me. There are things I need to show this world. She said I must learn the humility. I hope I am learning. I got nothing else to lose…
So imma be coming here often, offload by caterpillar chronicles. Hopefully I’ll still be here when it becomes tales of a flighty butterfly.