Monthly Archives: July 2011

Caterpillar Series: 1

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I woke up early today. Actually didn’t get much sleep. It felt like a woke up with a sob half way through my vocals lol! Its insane how tempting it is to wallow and dwell in this madness. From experience, its never a good choice to make. So, I did the mature thing and swallowed it. I got up and got dressed for church.

So I’m in church now. Done the routines. Led my team through today’s duties. I must say we did well. And I smiled all through. Someway through it, it started to feel genuine. It didn’t take away the lump in my chest though, nor diminish the heaviness in my heart. My God… I miss you. Looking forward to finding something new to look forward to. I am so dramatic!! The thoughts in my head now are plain hilarious! Even I have to laugh… hahahahaha…

Someone once told me that most psychiatric cases are connected to a failed relationship, somehow or the other… There again is another bit of drama. *sigh*

I feel my resolve firming up sha. I’ve got to move now. No reason to sit still. I’m hoping this message won’t just be another routine. I’ve heard enough bleh messages jare. Looking for something that will give me results. I had another bright thought as I was leaving home today. I’ve done this before, given up an option only to get it back… What am I saying, those were inanimates… You have a choice, and I can see you have used it. Oh well, let’s hear what this preacher has to say….

Introducing Caterpillar Diaries

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This is a lont thing…

I couldn’t do the 30 Day challenge anymore. Lost steam quite early. Let’s say my issues caught up with me. I have so much of them lately. This post is about them.

Oomf once told me (on FB) that writing is cathartic. I never forgot the word. I used to say writing helps me purge my soul. Now I know its called catharsis. Anyway, this is the start of a new series. It’s not for your entertainment. It’s for my sanity. So, please don’t like my pain. It may sound offensive. I’d appreciate encouraging words though. You never know. Even God used an ass.

Ok, so I sound a bit caustic tonight. It’s cos I’m in pain. Self inflicted excrutiating pain. Its needful. I need the discipline. Where am I?

I’m in a good place. A tight place, but good place. I thot I had it made, was gunning for the life of my dreams, until 2 years ago when it all stopped making sense. I became dissatisfied and restless and wondered why. Then curiosity killed the cat. I got busy quickly, with loads of wrong choices that made the downward spiral all the more painful.
It took a while for me to see the writing on the wall. I had opened up the canker, I had to see this through and deal with it. No amount of escapism would postpone the unavoidable. It would just make it worse. (You were never an escape).

Ok, I’m speaking code again, I know. Where do I start from? *sigh*

Lemme put it this way, I got some kind of early midlife crisis. I think. The past 2 years have taught me that what doesn’t kill you will hurt like a b”+*h. But you gotta stay strong. Too muchs betting’s on you. Right now, I’m still job searching, officially bankrupt cos I’m technically insolvent. And everyday, I go through the despairing process of picturing someone doing what I’d give an arm to be doing. The depression makes it hard to get off the bed. I just wanna lay down and not move till it all passes away. But that aint gonna happen, so I get up anyway. I got lucky though… I had one thing to look forward to everyday. But I had to give that up too. That’s what hurts now. But it’s not half bad… At least now I know there isn’t nothing I can’t give up. You know this saying, he that is down..? Well, I’ve gone beyond ground zero. Technically, there’s no diff between -10 and -100. I’m kinda like -90 now. But I know my redeemer lives. And he will not let my soul see corruption. My dearest friend, Moji, told me my experience is common to the path of greatness. I know there’s something special about me. There are things I need to show this world. She said I must learn the humility. I hope I am learning. I got nothing else to lose…

So imma be coming here often, offload by caterpillar chronicles. Hopefully I’ll still be here when it becomes tales of a flighty butterfly.

Ciao

The 30 Day Challenge – Day 5

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I almost passed on this one, but discipline! Hehehe… If I could choose one ex to say one thing to, it’ll be F.O. He’s by far the sweetest guy I have dated, so far. We had it all good and all that, but… Anyway, I won’t be able to say nuffin to him as it is cos he would not really understand why. But this is the 30 day challenge, right?

Imma make it personal…
Hey,

It’s been a while… I wish things were different between us, you know… And its not the way you think. You were one guy that I’m very grateful I met. And I want to thank you for letting me go. It would have been harder if you had tried to make me stay. I’m a much different person now. You won’t believe the experiences I’ve had!! You prob don’t know this new me at all! And somehow, I kinda feel like I have you (partly) to thank for it. You allowed me be me even when that included ending ‘us’. So hers’s wishing you all that you deserve.

And yeah, ask her out already! No… not her, that your neighbour… Not that one, the one wjo tried to keep you from seeing me on my birthday that year… Yeah, her! She still likes you, you know 😉 And you never can tell!

Ciao!

The 30 Day Challenge – Day 4

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Day 4 – Bullet your day

12 am – can’t sleep. Got nuffin on my mind tho. Slept throughout Saturday and I’m paying for it now. Okay, I lie. Was actually hoping to make that call. Its been days… And I’m deprived 😥

3.45 – I finally try to sleep. Seems like it gonna work this time…

5.30 – alarm goes off… *sigh* I can’t…

6.45 – just a few more minutes, I promise… zzzzz…

7.18 – finally made it up. Have to bath…brush… Oh yea, dress up… Where’s that br… Oh dear my shoes… Wallet… *sigh* keys… Oh well, on my way… *sigh*

7.56 – I can not believe I’m still here… *yawn*

1.00 – service was awesom! Now waiting for this car to stop overheating so I can go and eat! And there is this small issue of moving my stuff… I hate stuff like moving, packing, unpacking. I think I’ll just move this till next week. I have the best intentions, I swear.

4.00 – finally! Food! Yay me!!! So, it was noodles with all sortsa elements at my sister’s. Had fun exhibiting road rage with an equally ‘raging driver’. Missed out on ice cold la casera at Ojota 😦 That was a very low point in the day…

6.30 – heading home. Had a quick nap @ my sis’s. And a little fondling with a mosquito.

8.00 – battery low, no light, no gen. @ the G’s place to charge my fone. I may just get lucky tonight…

9.51 – a little chat, a little nuffin, a little curling in bed tryna sleep.

11.00 – this whole drama is tiring. I look like a fool tryna defend everybody. *sigh* I want out!!! I need a maga. This is a public announcement.

11.30 – this sucks abi? I’m the worst chronicler ever! So, sue me! I thot as much… :p

Ciao!

The 30 Day Challenge – Day 3

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Day 3 – A book I love

And the winner is…. *drum rolls* Ted Dekker’s Blessed Child!! *loud applause*

I have had my ‘reading days’. Don’t read so much nowadays. I get bored quite easily. Almost all my old favs have very predictable storylines. Now, some never cease to surprise me. Like Chimamamnda. She’s just brilliant! How did Ted win? He plays with the dark side a lot. She doesn’t, yet. So, I like spooky books. They still have the element of surprise most simple tales have lost for me. But this one, this one was an amazing read. The experience was cathartic! It kinda brought home some things for me. Helped me deal with some inner demons. I loved the guilt-free display of humanity in the characters too. And the way the kid’s ‘divinity’ made their frailties almost beautiful… *sigh* it is one book that gave me a new lease on a lot of things.

Ok, a summary. The story is about a child born in the deserts of Ethopia handed over to this renegade and a nurse when the Father who raised him sensed he was gonna be killed. The boy is brought into the real world where his nature is tested. He is made to adapt to technology, ‘experirnced’ views about God, politics and divinity, its a roller coaster! I admit tho that the end was a bit of an anticlimax. But hey, I still can’t forget how I felt while reading… Never felt that way before.

So, made it to day 3 huh? Let’s see how tomorrow goes…

Ciao

The 30 Day Challenge – Day 2

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Day 2 – Something I feel strongly about

This is a tough one. I’m known to have very ‘strong’ opinions about everything at some point :D. Ok, I’ll narrow it down to one thing…

WHY
This singular word had been the sole cause of plenty of my yawas. I always ask why. Even when I don’t say it I think it. I strongly believe that everything has a reason. And that you’d figure it out somehow if you give it enough thought. The way I see it, the why is the reason for the thing itself. So, nothing is random. Just as nothing exists in a vacuum. What you call random is connected to something you have not considered or given thought to.

So, WHY am I doing this challenge thing?

Cos I’m looking for some answers that will come up only when I write.

Cos I think it should be fun.

Cos I’m hoping to find more likeminded people…

Cos I really need to take my blogging serious, seriously…

Laters!

The 30 Day Challenge – Day 1

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I got this from @miafarradaily and well, its rather unusual of me, but here goes..

5 Ways to Win My Heart

1. The God-Factor
I wish I could really explain how much this means to me. I have a lot of respect for a guy that is an ‘active God-chaser’. I don’t care much for how he does it as much as the sincerity and passion with which he does it. It speaks volumes IMO. I can trust this kinda man wholeheartedly.

2. Love the art
Okay, I think I am kinda flexible here. You don’t have to paint, draw or sing, but you must appreciate and understand the arts. Its kind of a plus if he can write, I swoon at the pen of a man creative with his thoughts…. I think this makes me feel like he has some kinda depth… I don’t know jare!

3. The Mind thing
I like a good hawt body, but I fall first for his mind. I’m very inquisitive, so, you have to be be able to entertain/keep up with me and such. I’m not really a current affairs buff like that, but it’s a plus for him sha. But even if like me he doesn’t know the capital of Congo (ok, I know that one), he should amaze me with some other very relevant info he has at his finger tips! How in the world can I have astimulating or engaging conversation with you if you… I can’t!!!

4. The Ultimate Adventure
I like ambition in a man. You must be going somewhere. Have a sense of purpose, else I aint going no where with you! He should also leave some room in his life for my dreams to conquer the world. In all of this, he should have the fine balance (work in progess is allowed) of risk taking vs caution and ambition vs conscience. Very important!

5. His way
I like gentle, calm guys that look very collected and together. Maybe cos I’m nothing like that. Hehehe! It’s refreshing for me, and its kinda a sign of inner confidence (in yetitweets urban dictionary). Plus the cool exterior c’est uber attrhacktiv! 😉 plus, he must have his way with me. I’m a handful, and I don’t really like it when a guy doesn’t know what to do with/about all my antics…*sigh* I just can’t… (#nsinging ~ I don’t wanna be… A murderer… ~

None of this is in any particular order sha… But the list is short sef! There are lots more, but these 5, definitely are enough to get the job done!

NB: all further enquiries should be made to my comittee of worried family and friends.

Ciao!