Monthly Archives: July 2011

Caterpillar Series: 1

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I woke up early today. Actually didn’t get much sleep. It felt like a woke up with a sob half way through my vocals lol! Its insane how tempting it is to wallow and dwell in this madness. From experience, its never a good choice to make. So, I did the mature thing and swallowed it. I got up and got dressed for church.

So I’m in church now. Done the routines. Led my team through today’s duties. I must say we did well. And I smiled all through. Someway through it, it started to feel genuine. It didn’t take away the lump in my chest though, nor diminish the heaviness in my heart. My God… I miss you. Looking forward to finding something new to look forward to. I am so dramatic!! The thoughts in my head now are plain hilarious! Even I have to laugh… hahahahaha…

Someone once told me that most psychiatric cases are connected to a failed relationship, somehow or the other… There again is another bit of drama. *sigh*

I feel my resolve firming up sha. I’ve got to move now. No reason to sit still. I’m hoping this message won’t just be another routine. I’ve heard enough bleh messages jare. Looking for something that will give me results. I had another bright thought as I was leaving home today. I’ve done this before, given up an option only to get it back… What am I saying, those were inanimates… You have a choice, and I can see you have used it. Oh well, let’s hear what this preacher has to say….

Introducing Caterpillar Diaries

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This is a lont thing…

I couldn’t do the 30 Day challenge anymore. Lost steam quite early. Let’s say my issues caught up with me. I have so much of them lately. This post is about them.

Oomf once told me (on FB) that writing is cathartic. I never forgot the word. I used to say writing helps me purge my soul. Now I know its called catharsis. Anyway, this is the start of a new series. It’s not for your entertainment. It’s for my sanity. So, please don’t like my pain. It may sound offensive. I’d appreciate encouraging words though. You never know. Even God used an ass.

Ok, so I sound a bit caustic tonight. It’s cos I’m in pain. Self inflicted excrutiating pain. Its needful. I need the discipline. Where am I?

I’m in a good place. A tight place, but good place. I thot I had it made, was gunning for the life of my dreams, until 2 years ago when it all stopped making sense. I became dissatisfied and restless and wondered why. Then curiosity killed the cat. I got busy quickly, with loads of wrong choices that made the downward spiral all the more painful.
It took a while for me to see the writing on the wall. I had opened up the canker, I had to see this through and deal with it. No amount of escapism would postpone the unavoidable. It would just make it worse. (You were never an escape).

Ok, I’m speaking code again, I know. Where do I start from? *sigh*

Lemme put it this way, I got some kind of early midlife crisis. I think. The past 2 years have taught me that what doesn’t kill you will hurt like a b”+*h. But you gotta stay strong. Too muchs betting’s on you. Right now, I’m still job searching, officially bankrupt cos I’m technically insolvent. And everyday, I go through the despairing process of picturing someone doing what I’d give an arm to be doing. The depression makes it hard to get off the bed. I just wanna lay down and not move till it all passes away. But that aint gonna happen, so I get up anyway. I got lucky though… I had one thing to look forward to everyday. But I had to give that up too. That’s what hurts now. But it’s not half bad… At least now I know there isn’t nothing I can’t give up. You know this saying, he that is down..? Well, I’ve gone beyond ground zero. Technically, there’s no diff between -10 and -100. I’m kinda like -90 now. But I know my redeemer lives. And he will not let my soul see corruption. My dearest friend, Moji, told me my experience is common to the path of greatness. I know there’s something special about me. There are things I need to show this world. She said I must learn the humility. I hope I am learning. I got nothing else to lose…

So imma be coming here often, offload by caterpillar chronicles. Hopefully I’ll still be here when it becomes tales of a flighty butterfly.

Ciao

The 30 Day Challenge – Day 5

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I almost passed on this one, but discipline! Hehehe… If I could choose one ex to say one thing to, it’ll be F.O. He’s by far the sweetest guy I have dated, so far. We had it all good and all that, but… Anyway, I won’t be able to say nuffin to him as it is cos he would not really understand why. But this is the 30 day challenge, right?

Imma make it personal…
Hey,

It’s been a while… I wish things were different between us, you know… And its not the way you think. You were one guy that I’m very grateful I met. And I want to thank you for letting me go. It would have been harder if you had tried to make me stay. I’m a much different person now. You won’t believe the experiences I’ve had!! You prob don’t know this new me at all! And somehow, I kinda feel like I have you (partly) to thank for it. You allowed me be me even when that included ending ‘us’. So hers’s wishing you all that you deserve.

And yeah, ask her out already! No… not her, that your neighbour… Not that one, the one wjo tried to keep you from seeing me on my birthday that year… Yeah, her! She still likes you, you know šŸ˜‰ And you never can tell!

Ciao!

The 30 Day Challenge – Day 4

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Day 4 – Bullet your day

12 am – can’t sleep. Got nuffin on my mind tho. Slept throughout Saturday and I’m paying for it now. Okay, I lie. Was actually hoping to make that call. Its been days… And I’m deprived šŸ˜„

3.45 – I finally try to sleep. Seems like it gonna work this time…

5.30 – alarm goes off… *sigh* I can’t…

6.45 – just a few more minutes, I promise… zzzzz…

7.18 – finally made it up. Have to bath…brush… Oh yea, dress up… Where’s that br… Oh dear my shoes… Wallet… *sigh* keys… Oh well, on my way… *sigh*

7.56 – I can not believe I’m still here… *yawn*

1.00 – service was awesom! Now waiting for this car to stop overheating so I can go and eat! And there is this small issue of moving my stuff… I hate stuff like moving, packing, unpacking. I think I’ll just move this till next week. I have the best intentions, I swear.

4.00 – finally! Food! Yay me!!! So, it was noodles with all sortsa elements at my sister’s. Had fun exhibiting road rage with an equally ‘raging driver’. Missed out on ice cold la casera at Ojota šŸ˜¦ That was a very low point in the day…

6.30 – heading home. Had a quick nap @ my sis’s. And a little fondling with a mosquito.

8.00 – battery low, no light, no gen. @ the G’s place to charge my fone. I may just get lucky tonight…

9.51 – a little chat, a little nuffin, a little curling in bed tryna sleep.

11.00 – this whole drama is tiring. I look like a fool tryna defend everybody. *sigh* I want out!!! I need a maga. This is a public announcement.

11.30 – this sucks abi? I’m the worst chronicler ever! So, sue me! I thot as much… :p

Ciao!

The 30 Day Challenge – Day 3

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Day 3 – A book I love

And the winner is…. *drum rolls* Ted Dekker’s Blessed Child!! *loud applause*

I have had my ‘reading days’. Don’t read so much nowadays. I get bored quite easily. Almost all my old favs have very predictable storylines. Now, some never cease to surprise me. Like Chimamamnda. She’s just brilliant! How did Ted win? He plays with the dark side a lot. She doesn’t, yet. So, I like spooky books. They still have the element of surprise most simple tales have lost for me. But this one, this one was an amazing read. The experience was cathartic! It kinda brought home some things for me. Helped me deal with some inner demons. I loved the guilt-free display of humanity in the characters too. And the way the kid’s ‘divinity’ made their frailties almost beautiful… *sigh* it is one book that gave me a new lease on a lot of things.

Ok, a summary. The story is about a child born in the deserts of Ethopia handed over to this renegade and a nurse when the Father who raised him sensed he was gonna be killed. The boy is brought into the real world where his nature is tested. He is made to adapt to technology, ‘experirnced’ views about God, politics and divinity, its a roller coaster! I admit tho that the end was a bit of an anticlimax. But hey, I still can’t forget how I felt while reading… Never felt that way before.

So, made it to day 3 huh? Let’s see how tomorrow goes…

Ciao

The 30 Day Challenge – Day 2

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Day 2 – Something I feel strongly about

This is a tough one. I’m known to have very ‘strong’ opinions about everything at some point :D. Ok, I’ll narrow it down to one thing…

WHY
This singular word had been the sole cause of plenty of my yawas. I always ask why. Even when I don’t say it I think it. I strongly believe that everything has a reason. And that you’d figure it out somehow if you give it enough thought. The way I see it, the why is the reason for the thing itself. So, nothing is random. Just as nothing exists in a vacuum. What you call random is connected to something you have not considered or given thought to.

So, WHY am I doing this challenge thing?

Cos I’m looking for some answers that will come up only when I write.

Cos I think it should be fun.

Cos I’m hoping to find more likeminded people…

Cos I really need to take my blogging serious, seriously…

Laters!

The 30 Day Challenge – Day 1

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I got this from @miafarradaily and well, its rather unusual of me, but here goes..

5 Ways to Win My Heart

1. The God-Factor
I wish I could really explain how much this means to me. I have a lot of respect for a guy that is an ‘active God-chaser’. I don’t care much for how he does it as much as the sincerity and passion with which he does it. It speaks volumes IMO. I can trust this kinda man wholeheartedly.

2. Love the art
Okay, I think I am kinda flexible here. You don’t have to paint, draw or sing, but you must appreciate and understand the arts. Its kind of a plus if he can write, I swoon at the pen of a man creative with his thoughts…. I think this makes me feel like he has some kinda depth… I don’t know jare!

3. The Mind thing
I like a good hawt body, but I fall first for his mind. I’m very inquisitive, so, you have to be be able to entertain/keep up with me and such. I’m not really a current affairs buff like that, but it’s a plus for him sha. But even if like me he doesn’t know the capital of Congo (ok, I know that one), he should amaze me with some other very relevant info he has at his finger tips! How in the world can I have astimulating or engaging conversation with you if you… I can’t!!!

4. The Ultimate Adventure
I like ambition in a man. You must be going somewhere. Have a sense of purpose, else I aint going no where with you! He should also leave some room in his life for my dreams to conquer the world. In all of this, he should have the fine balance (work in progess is allowed) of risk taking vs caution and ambition vs conscience. Very important!

5. His way
I like gentle, calm guys that look very collected and together. Maybe cos I’m nothing like that. Hehehe! It’s refreshing for me, and its kinda a sign of inner confidence (in yetitweets urban dictionary). Plus the cool exterior c’est uber attrhacktiv! šŸ˜‰ plus, he must have his way with me. I’m a handful, and I don’t really like it when a guy doesn’t know what to do with/about all my antics…*sigh* I just can’t… (#nsinging ~ I don’t wanna be… A murderer… ~

None of this is in any particular order sha… But the list is short sef! There are lots more, but these 5, definitely are enough to get the job done!

NB: all further enquiries should be made to my comittee of worried family and friends.

Ciao!

Last Night

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He pulled me up from where I sat, I could not tell whether it was a chair or I sat on air. I had watched him saunter towards me. As casual as his steps appeared to me, I could see the steel determination in his eyes. The hour had finally come. But why here, I wondered? Of all places here?!!?

We took two steps and hit the edge of the bed. I sat to support the rest of my frame as my legs had melted beneath me. He never took his eyes off me. He sat close to me and offered me one of the magazines I was reading earlier. Was it a magazine or a book? In this place, under this circumstances, things get a bit blurryā€¦ details get foggyā€¦ everything overlaps. I took the book, or magazine, no, it was a bookā€¦ I took it from him and found the excuse to look away from him. His eyes felt hot on my skin. I felt like he could see right through me. He hadnā€™t touched me, yet I was whimpering. I had waited so long for this kiss, but knowing him, I knew the internal battle he fought wasnā€™t over yet. He could change his mind if he still had doubts. I couldnā€™t care less for the consequences he worried about. It was just a kiss! What if it went bad? Ehn, we would both go our separate ways, but at least, my lips will cease to tingle and the mere thought of him.

He was saying something now, I canā€™t remember. Iā€™m not even sure I heard. Then he leaned towards me and it looked like he was going for my earsā€¦ OMG, we were in my room, on my bed, and he wanted to nuzzle my ears? Maybe it was good I waited, this night was beginning to look promising. I had wanted to be with him like this for a long time. I am not a promiscuous female, but this he-man was all man! Tall and well built 6 -feet plus frame. Eyes that smoldered. Lips that looked altogether yummy! And for 4 months, we had done the mating dance, only there was no mating, it was all dance.

I caught my breath at the first touch of his lips on my neck. He kissed and nuzzled and kissed in quick successions. I purred and sighed and felt him smile against my skin. His hands held mine as he took the intruding book away from me, then he raised his head and looked at me. I thought I had melted and gone to heaven.

ā€˜Itā€™s better this way, dont you think so?ā€™ Itā€™s a good thing I waitedā€™

What did that mean? He knew I wanted this for that long?

he leaned towards me again and this time he took my lips. I muttered thanksgiving to the heavens as he lips tasted better than I imagined. At first, he was exploring and testing my boundaries, soon, he was pulling me closer and nibbling at the side of my lips, rubbing the back of my arms and playing with the tip of my tank top. I could see all this happening, somewhere in my head. Somehow, while I could feel my core responding to his gentle intrusion, I almost felt like a spectator, watching him rub my tummy, watching me hold his neck, rub his head and shift my position, for him to hold me properly as he laid me down on the bed. After a couple of minutes of the most beautiful experience of my life time, he stopped and helped me up again. I couldnā€™t look at him. I felt so naked before him. Like he had found my little secret, that I was crazy about him. He said like a sentence or two and I started to fear that he was not going to touch me again. Maybe he thinks it was a mistake, maybeā€¦ the thought died in my mind as he reached for me again. This time, he reached to pull me up on his laps. Yes! I screamed in my head as he lips took mine one more time. His hands found their way up, lightly brushing against my hardeneing nipples. I sighed, and purred and twisted in maddening delight. Then suddenly, I woke up!

WHen it rains

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I think I’m gonna post some of my old works here. I’m really trying to find my muse. I don’t know why she left me like this kmdt!!!! I also need some eerrr… proof of ownership! hehehe! SO, this one one slightly dark piece…

As a kid, I never liked the rain. When all my friends sang and romped in the cold showers, I always stayed far away under some type of covering. My mother joked that I was allergic to the rain. My grandmother said I was like the palm oil daughter who was never to go near fire. Only this time, I never went near rain. Time moved, and I was grown up. Working and living on my own in Abuja. I had been beaten by the rain twice in Abuja already. I told myself it was the sign of my coming of age. The fear of the rain was broken.

I just bought a new car and was launching it at my cousinā€™s baby dedication. I had jokingly commented that it was still raining in Abuja and would not want to be caught it in again. And here I was, my key locked in my car, standing in the rain. That was how I met my Anthony. He called my service center and had them toll and get the key out at their office. We had lunch while we waited. In one hour, I knew I had met the man of my dreams! And for some reason, i knew he felt the same way about me. I have never been presumptuous about men, but the pull to Tony was so strong, it was palpable! He took me home later that day in my car, after meeting my entire Abuja family at the dedication that I was incredibly late for. He took a cab home after making sure I was safely in my apartment. We talked all night, and spent all day together the next day. He just fell into my life easily like he had always been meant to be there.

Six months after meeting Tony, we were formally ā€œmeeting the parentsā€. Everything was so surreal! I couldnā€™t believe my luck! Our private joke every time it rained was always on me. And I was glad for it. If it had not been the rain, i would not have had the joy I had in my life right now. Tony was amazing! He is the most thoughtful, most romantic and most mature guy I had ever been with. Maybe I had grown tooā€¦ but he was just like heaven sent. He has his own bit too, donā€™t get me wrong. He is some type of hermit and Iā€™m such a bumble bee! My girls thought he had me under some kind of control. But Tony didnt need to ask me to do anything. Both our lives adjusted naturally to each other.

Itā€™s been 18 months now and wedding bells are ringing. But I cannot hear them. Iā€™m hearing the dirge of the mourners. Itā€™s coming from somewhere above me. I am looking at Tony and it seems he is looking at me. Itā€™s shocking to see how fast one can become past tense. We, Tony and I are at the cemetery. I am trying to be brave and not cry. Even if I did, no one would hear me, cos my cries are mere whispers compared to the loud wails around me. I want to touch him, hold him and feel his warmth one more time. But I can not. Iā€™m looking at him, focused on him like I could hold his image like this and frame it for eternity. Like the memory could take me through the rest of eternity. Funny enough, its raining too. Someone had been smart enough to think of a canopy for this part of the procession. I am not wet this time, but it would not make a difference if I were. The pall bearers close the coffin, and Tony is the last thing I see before the top closes on me. I see the final death in his eyes. Like he died with me and would never live again. I tried to look beyond the wooden coffin, but I could not see a thing. I could still feel him though, as he took one laborious step after the other, walking away from me for the last time.

I was announced dead on arrival at the hospital. The drunken truck driver did his best to nearly grind my body to the asphalt. I was parked on the side of the road buying groceries from my customer when he drove right into me, clearing my car and the grocery stall, maiming the fruit seller and taking my life instantly. They said his third hand tires skidded in the rain and he lost control.

Itā€™s raining heavily now and the grave diggers are working fast to cover up my portion. Iā€™m trying to end this as fast as I could. i need to finish before they do. If you are the one reading this, please take a message for my Tony. Tell him itā€™s not raining hereā€¦

Randomish

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Ok, I came here with very noble intentions. But this internet’s been so slow, I got purged already. ANyway, it’s always nice to come by, see how this place is, once in a while… I like it here. I love it here. Here I can talk about stuff absolutely un-edited (I lie). I’m thinking about opening another blog tho… where I can be more revealing… like I said, its a thot! šŸ˜€

Ok, since my thots have gotten wings, I think I should leave now. It’s getting awkward not having anything to say. Or not wanting to say the things I have to say… yeah, I dont like the silence either…

New resolutions tho:
1. Make a new friend every month – was thinking weekly, but that will be a tall order! lol! The evnergy required for that… phew!

2. Write a list of things I’d love to do (fun and work)

3. Do one thing from 2 every week – I have been told this adds colour to life. No more black and white images for me šŸ˜€

Ok, I gess i’ll be back soon!

*hugs and kisses*