I can imagine how colourful my hormones are… They tend to be conflicting most of the time these days. I never thought I could manage them so well, ever! I guess Paul knew what he was talking about when he said “my grace is sufficient for you.”Or in this case, when God said.
Everyone talks about us all having a constant sin that could easily beset, or an “angel of the devil sent to buffet (what ancient English!) us. I think I may have discovered mine. It’s not a bad thing, or a wrong thing, or a weakness. I just have it in excess. Lately, I have realised that it seems to be at the root of almost every major mishap and major success I have had. You know how they warn you when you are getting married or getting into a relationship, how they say it’s the thing you love the most about your partner that would likely drive you up against the wall..? How they say what you like ’em for may become what you’ll come to hate the most about them? I guess it’s the same thing for me. (OMGee, I’m in a relationship with myself! Cripes! Never thought it would get this bad!!!!)Ok, what is this De-gel (gerrit? Demon-Angel?)? It’s eerr… emotions.
What? Emotions? You have got to be kidding me!
I kid you not.
It’s my strongest and may be my weakness point. I am a passionate person. I have a result-driven side which I have learnt to develop, but largely, it’s about passion for me. Friendship, socializing, sex, relationships, God, work, career, plans… Everything I have experienced in life and everything I look forward to, is always something I am passionate about! I can not explain why I am like that, but I am. Sigh…
Now, what brought this on? You see, cos of the way I am, I am sometimes (ok, maybe most times) drawn naturally to passionate dudes (yes, this is also about men) and I am coming to realize that expressing passion for men is different from what it is for women. Before I digress, let me just say the story. I developed this habit recently. Ok, recently as in April recently. And I fear that I may be getting passionate about what was meant to be quite surface and peripheral.
I fear that I shall not be able to go into details. I am much too exhausted with thoughts. I have decided however, that a withdrawal is necessary. The form that it will take is yet unclear to me. Does God really get muddled in this kinda mess…? I know His word says He watches over me carefully and affectionately, it’s just difficult to imagine Him getting into this fracas my emotions have become. Falling in and out of crush repeatedly in quick successions… And no, it’s not what you think!
I need you, Father! I need your voice and your wisdom. I need the comfort and courage it brings. There are so many, and I really do want it all. Help me to identify the fufilment in your will. This I ask, sincerely, in Jesus’ name. Amen.
So many things I need to know… I think I think too much sef! And I am not even going to stop and ponder on that!