Round and round in circles

Standard

There has to be something I do that’s wrong…

“Pure Love. Loyalty. Presence. Passion. Attention. Security. The gifts of life. A teacher. An inspirer. A catalyst for your gifts”

I have lost two almost friends and one very good friends already this year (hers is a long story). And I lost another buddy too… sigh. No, they did not die. I have exhausted my share of dieing loved ones, thank you. They just are not my friends anymore. For some reason, something I said or did turned them the wrong way. Usually, it’s the encoding/decoding problem. And while trying not to be overly concerned bout it, maybe I sound too carefree or my worry shows somehow. I’m just slightly upset at the mo. I will get over it.

Maybe I should try bridging the gap. If you been here for a bit, you’ll know that’s not my forte.

Father, you know me well. You know how much I value my almost-relationships and even the ones that finally become one. You know how selective I am about people that I allow into my life, at whatever level. You know how scared shitless I can be when new people begin to matter to me. And you know how clueless I am when things go sour. You see how horribly I handle what should otherwise be damage control. I wish I could ask you for a damage free process. But I know that will not be sweet. It’s in the damages that our friendships become deep. And you know how much I love deep. Especially if the person speaks a language I speak.

I need your help right now, Father. I need help to build these bridges. I don’t even know where to start. And yes, I admit that it hurts. It’s very confusing, and the pain, however slight can be a bit distracting. Help me set this in right perspective. And help me, even though I am so chicken, I start always with the easiest. You are the only one who looks at my heart. See it again, this time, Lord and give me the opportunities to mend what may have been broken. And if there is a pattern of behavior I need to change, you know you can always talk to me. If I listen to no one, I always will listen to you. I dont want this pain anymore. I dont want to lose any one again. Let it be that the ones who don’t stay were either borrowed or given away. I value my human treasures, Lord. Especially the ones that ‘be’ like me.

I really dont know what to ask for, so I’ll stay with ‘help me’. I want to go forward now. Dont let this pain of losing take me back again. This I pray, in the name of your Son, Jesus.

Amen.

I do not walk alone

I’m sheltered daily by the Father’s love

He has called me His own

And slowly I have learned to trust

I do not stand alone

We gather together ound the shepherd’s feet

I and the ones I’ve known

I and my little company

I’d rather work with you

And hold your hand as we merrily dance

It’ll always be us two

We’ll seize the moment and take the chance

I cannot walk alone

I’ve come to need the company

And as you come and go

Remember what you mean to me

(Don’t know what else to say jare. I shall trymaking amends now. Somebody spare me a prayer?)

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