I said I would write about love. I have started and abandoned this post more than 5 times. I think I may be just as clueless as you are. I don’t really know what this love is…
I do not speak of agape. I know that one too well. I am a living, walking, breathing product of agape. Without agape, I should have died by now. At best, I should be nothing, have nothing, be no one. But I am something. I don’t have much yet, but I have more than enough, for now. So, I know agape. I cannot fully comprehend it. But, I have known the Father’s love for me.
I am thinking of the other kind of love. The mix that exists between a man and his lady. The one that makes butterflies fly in human tummies. The one that makes you light headed, tongue-tied and nervous because he stepped into the room. The one that makes you lose focus of your thoughts just because he picked the phone and crooned hello in you eyes. That’s the one I’m wondering about. How about it? What about it? Why about it?
How does it come? For me, I have had several of the symptoms of love. But now, I wonder if I ever truly loved?!? Shakespeare talked about the marriage of true minds. He said love is not love if it withdraws when imperfection it finds (oh yeah, I’m waxing lyrical too! :D). If I wasn’t true to me, how would I have truly loved? Going by Shakespeare any way! But I wonder, how can I love someone if I do not know the things that ‘I’ love? If I do not know me, if my heart is not open, how can it love? I’m beginning to feel like I can never truly truly love someone if I haven’t discovered me. Why? Because to love someone, I must have identified something in him/her that syncs with the deep fundamentals I cherish. This, I’m thinking can happen subconsciously too. It usually isn’t something you are aware of, that identification. But you must have recognized what those values, deep fundamentals e.t.c. are. You must have discovered yourself. How can I take a journey into someone’s mind, heart or life when I haven’t journeyed into mine? I wouldn’t know where to go. I wouldn’t know what to look for. My heart, undiscovered and virgin, would be lost. And then I would cling to the superficial things. How he looks, what he has, how he is. If I have not discovered my hidden treasure, I will never love who he is without all the appendages.
I guess it starts with me. This love that I am. Looking for. Else I will miss out or lose several opportunities to experience this type of love in its realest, deepest, ‘fiercest’, most passionate and most dynamic form. I may meet Mr. Perfect. I may even marry him, but I’d forever stay at the edge of the precipice. I’d never take the plunge and fall deeply. And it will be more loss to me than my unfortunate partner. I am tempted also to think that this is why love fades, ends or turns sour. Sometimes, we do all the right things to get to a particular level. Then we get there and we get comfortable. We forget how we got there… Deut 7:1-2; 8:1-20 (particularly verses 12 – 20). I am thinking that the key to continued passion, never-ending romance, always fervent, ever-burning intense loving is self discovery. Loving yourself makes you confident in your expression of love for others. When you love who you see in the mirror constantly, through good and bad, you can love the fellow snoring on the other side of the bed. There are so many things I’d like to say about what I’m thinking about this love, but I don’t want to make a doctrine out of things I’m thinking, so I’ll rest.
What about love? It makes the world go round. It lubricates every process. It makes fun out of drab. It’s the silken thread that embroiders the fabric of life. It’s that thing that makes your feet lighter, makes the day look better than it actually is. I have heard many say they can live without it. They say it’s a gift. I believe there is a gift to live celibate. That is not my personal concern anyways. Again, I digress… What about this kind of love makes us scheme and connive and manipulate just to have it fulfilled??? I believe true love is pure. It cannot exist in the midst of any foul play. There may be passion, there maybe a constant want/need… But there would be no love, true love. Just like a dove won’t perch on the dung, I do not think true love will find comfort where there is scheming and manipulation. I maybe wrong… I think overall, this kind of love is easy. It’s not complicated like space technology. But my heart has to be open. Now that may be the tedious part!
It’s taken 1 week, several drafts, random conversations and sporadic bursts of inspiration. Like agape, I think I am coming to understand this kind of love. I just wonder about it still. But if I don’t know anything, I know how I want it: deep, intense, sweet, passionate, exciting, fun, dependable, trusting, spontaneous, absolutely out of this world!!! In Elizabeth Browning’s words:
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day’s
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death