I’m not good at goodbyes, or hellos for that matter. Scratch that, I’m not good at most things personal, if it has to do with somebody apart from myself. I tend to find myself disconnected from everyone, on that very personal level. I don’t know how to deal with it, I guess. So, I just don’t. I am good at tracing so I have traced it many times. And, I’m sure you’ve heard this before, believe me, I have. But I’m not saying it as a sob story. It’s just a reason.
People always leave.
The funny thing is, I do not feel the deep pain or hurt that I’m expected to feel when saying this. My mom, she ‘left’ when I was six. She didn’t have a choice anyway, the doctors said (as I heard 17 years later) that she was better dead. Had she lived, she woulda been a vegetable. I am glad for the memories of a vibrant, active full-of-life kinda woman I remember her as. The only thing I’m not glad about in the whole shege is that when she was leaving that morning, she didn’t say goodbye. In fact, she was going to sneak out on me. I had developed this attachment to her and her outings. I think I discovered somehow that she had fun whenever she went out, or maybe I had fun whenever i went out with her! lol! Cause as an adult now, ‘out’ doesnt always mean ‘fun’, now I know. Anyway, she must have felt I would have grabbed her skirt if she had woken me. But even after ‘catching’ her, I was too groggy with sleep to get up to hug her, walk downstairs with her or wave goodbye. I just said it, and went back to sleep! How do I remember this details? I kinda hang on to the pleasant memories to survive the long stretch of the unpleasant ones. I think…
Anyway, I was a kid, I could re-align with a different family setting, no? Wrong again!
My Father, punk ass as he was, had left a long time before then. And while the doctors didn’t diagnose his cause of death till 10 years later when it took him, he did want to have much to do with me anyhow. And for this, I am eternally grateful to him. I don’t know how I woulda turned out if he did…
I think all in all, I have lived with about 7 different families. Been made to adapt to 7 different and conflicting structures, pattern of living, way of thinking… the list is endless. While I do not blame anyone of them for my detachment, I really do want to feel a connection with someone. I want to feel that if someone left me, I would not be the same again. So far, there isn’t a person like that in my life. Dont get me wrong, I’ve had relationships! I have been a victim of bridled and unbridled passion! Yum! But, after the dust settles, I just get up, dust my skirts and move. Not like I have a problem with that in its totality…
The thing is, I want to feel what people feel about death, and dying and losing loved ones e.t.c. I used to think I had one person that could be that for me, but I was wrong. I thought if my grandfather died, I would be bereft. I havent seen him in a while and cos I lost my phone, I don’t have the numbers to reach him on. But, I’ve been feeling of late that he may have died and no one is calling me to tell me. At first, I thought to myself, how would I react to the news. Now I know. I’d cry, for a bit. Then I’d get up and move.
That is where my problem is. I don’t want to be like that anymore. I want to be attached to people, not things. i want to ‘fear’ to lose people, not things. I know I have the capacity to feel deeply and passionately for someone. But I never have. Something just always keeps me at the banks. I never fully dive in. I have learnt that the enormity of all that I have bottled up inside can dey scare anyone who has the ‘responsibility’ of being the recipient of my affection. Cos then, it’ll be so overwhelming, you either start to despise me for giving so much or for putting you under the pressure to give so much in return. iSigh. It’s a crazy conundrum, I know.
I think, at first, I’d like to learn how to say hello. Maybe we can build from there. Maybe in time, you’d be so much a part of my life that it would hurt baaaad to lose you. Maybe, my life with you in it will suddenly be the full download, and being without you would be incomplete. Maybe then, I would develop a fear for losing you. maybe then, i would understand why people fear for loved ones. Cos, right now, I really don’t. I have genuine concern for people, but I have no fear of losing anyone I love. I don’t think I love anyone enough.
So, hello, my name is Yetitweets, I am glad to meet you. I hope to get to know you more. I hope, one day to become scared shitless to lose you too