Begining the end


Ok, this is kind of a long tin… Anyway, here goes.

Dear A,
Do you realise you were in my dreams recently? It was the weird, right? No. It actually felt very natural to find you there… And the things we did… aahh… You will never know… Ok, so why have I chosen to write to you? I don’t know if I ever told you this on one of those our long ‘discovery’ convos, but writing helps me clear my head, my mind and my heart. Sometimes, God even waits for me to write before He starts talking to me. It’s when my heart is most open. I think because at that point, my heart and the screen are both like books. Clear and accepting. Anyway, I’m not writing to talk about me. It’s about us, me and you, as at March 2010.

I ‘met’ you during what I would call a recess period. I was taking a few months off serious guys, or at least those who claimed serious. So, when you sent me that text, and followed up so consistently, well, I thought to myself, this will never work, but hey, it might be fun. Notice was short, but curiousity belled the cat. And then we had mad fun! Right in that very serene atmosphere, we laughed, gisted about… everything! Poor waiter had to come back the fourth time to finally get the order! Hehehe! They must have wondered if we were planning to gist and run after collecting free a/c! Lol! See, it still feels so easy talking to you…

Anyway, the following days were breezy… There was so much about you that was a perfect fit! You were calm and restless, laid back and driven, funny, hilarious funny and serious, sweet and factual. You were tall, had the right sense of humor, and you were thoughtful. It came to you, naturally, or so it appeared. There were so many things you said that I couldn’t respond to. I was afraid you would see the working of my mind from my words. There were so many things you said that got me catious. I didn’t want to be like the other girls. I wanted to be special. I wanted to be special for you. And jus like you would be thinking now, I had translated from fun to serious. But I thought it was ok, you came with serious.

Did I tell you we share same fav color? It was unbelievable!! I had never met a green guy before! And you like it bright! And oohh… you reaked of homely! You are artistic, a la archy subdegree or watever it is that you have. Ok, I think at this point, I’m gonna have to take out your name, hehehe! And then, to cap it up, you mentioned, ever so casually, that you write! My heart coulda done the flip flops just about then, but I thought, not just yet…

The few times we spent talking outside my house, I grew to respect you. I also began to fear you. Here I was, a year away from the big three-O, realising I should take my marital status seriously, and there you were, perfect, willing and available!!! You said you wanted to know me, you wanted me to feel comfortable with you, you wanted me to get to know you, you wanted to hang out… All that stuff… I wanted them too! The way you said it, how could I not have? Maybe I wanted it too much sef, maybe at some point more than you.

Anyway, you suddenly had become the last canoe, sent to whisk me from singledom to marital wedded bliss. At least so I tagged you, in my mind. And so, it became a constant thought not to lose you, then a worry. Then you started showing the signs. I get it now. It wasn’t about you, or your inability to stay focused on one thing for long, or your OCSyndrome or what I called your ADD. It was my fears, taking flesh in your 6″4 frame, looking back at me with those dazzling eyes. It wasn’t about what you did, it was what I expected. I got it, you only did it. I’m not absolving you. I am taking my blame.

Anyway, its how long now? I have stopped counting. I also stopped living after you left. But it all ends today. I met this lovely girl on blogsville and twitter, Temite. She wrote a poem about her prince… And it reminded me that I packed those feelings up with the memories of you. I wrote some poems about you. I told you, no? I couldn’t have! Hehehe! But, my readers say they were my best ever. I havnt been able to write any since. Scribbled a few lines on twitter… It wasn’t the same. I’ve been doing some prose shan and it’s been cool, so far. But I miss poetry. You may be gone,but you are not taking that away from me either. I don’t know how I moved from ‘God, please make him come back’ to ‘ I don’t care for life anymore if he doesn’t!’ Who are you anyway?!?! I hadn’t even loved you yet! For your information, you were not my last canoe! You were just a scout ferry passing by. My yatch is on its way. And I’m going to be passionately waiting for it.

I am not angry with you. I am only sad. I never got to kiss you. I never got to cuddle up with you in front of a nice bloody movie. I never even got a proper bear hug. I never… But its fine now. I am making peace with it. Anyway, I’m just writing to tell you I’ve picked my things and I’m moving. If my passion scared you cos you didn’t know yet what you wanted, then thank you for not letting me waste it on you. Though I had come to care for you deeply, the gates were still held firm. I will love another. And maybe, in the future, we can be friends. I hear you are in PH. Take care of yourself and be well. It still matters to me that you are.

With all my heart


2 responses »

  1. I love ‘letting go’ letters. It always gladdens me to know that no matter how painful, there is always ‘moving on’ in His direction… God is amazing ooo for it is in our troughs that he polishes us to bring out the utter most beauty in us and lets His glory shine 🙂

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