Monthly Archives: June 2010

Randomly you

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It’s 8.03. I’m at work, hiding in the back room. I can’t seem to get up. It’s like I’m losing the will to do anything other than think about you… Be safe. Be good. And yes, I miss you too already… *sigh* I decided this time that I’m not going to hide. I won’t be shy to say how I feel… At least I would try. Who knows, maybe this is for real, but even if not… the best things in life remain free… So, imma enjoy this gift, while I have it!

I feel so melancholy (you know that strong, yet weak feeling), its insane, and you know why… But it’s all good. I trust my Father to be true. I’m almost going nuts with thiss wait… But, it’s all good. The best things come to those who wait. *sigh* this is so scattered!!! Okbye!

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Good, Better… Perfect

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Ok, I’m doing this during peak period. My oga (not the one I was crushing on o! This one is my direct line manager) is typing on my desk so I can do this without feeling bad. Now I’m editing and it’s almost 8.00 p.m.

You remember that rhyme..? Good, better, best..? I think it was something like this:

Good, better, best!
I will never rest
Until my good is better
And my better, best!

We used to chant this in class (bladdy mantra!), on assembly, in brownie meetings, every where we were, everywhere we went, there seemed to always be a reason to remind us that we could do better, reach farther, go higher. In the innocence and naiveté of childhood, we believed. (Have heard Kelly Rowland’s WC song? ‘Go farther! Go stronger! 😉 Hehehe) Eeeanywayz, I continued to grow, then I got to know God and grow in Him. Its funny to now realise that I had a similar response to the Bible version of that rhyme:

Don’t become like the people of this world. Instead, change the way you think. Then you will always be able to determine what God really wants—what is good, pleasing, and perfect. (God’s Word Translation)

Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you. (The Message)

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. (N.K.J.V.)

It’s amazing how much details God can get into where His children are concerned! He broke it down to good, acceptable and perfect… Some of us don’t even scrutinize that deep. Most times, we are ok with the surface vibes we get. As long as it looks good, aye? Been there too.

One of the many things I am coming to understand from God’s word is that man is a spirit and things that happen in his life are predominantly controlled by spiritual stimuli. For this reason, I tend to follow the thought that says that as a spirit, man is able to control, influence, take notice of and determine the advent of ‘additions’ to his/her world. It’s really simple logic. The bigger world is an offshoot and reflection of our individual worlds. If things and events can be discovered before they happen in the bigger world, I think the same applies to each person’s private world.
David, under inspiration, and backed up by Jesus centuries after, said:

Ye are gods and children of the Most High“.

What does this mean to me as a believer? It means I am divine. It means I am supernatural. It means I have abilities and tendencies that supersede the workings of this world as we know it. It means dominion is my default mode. It means I am the one Superman 1-3 was themed after (kryptonite and all). It means…wow! But that is not where I’m heading. New creation realities are like totally out of this world! My thinking is more in the light of our ability to make right choices, to identify ‘the right’ way, plan, decision and the right man. (Sheet!! I am so damn predictable!)

I had a convo with Berean Girl after my last post and by the time we were done rubbing off on each other, I figured that it was all about knowing the will of God. There is an amazing sense of peace that comes from ‘knowing’ the will of God. I have experienced knowing God’s will can come in two main ways. The one I was used to initially was the knowing what to do part. Getting specific instructions for specific issues. Having an idea of specific directions. That one I absolutely like! It’s like having expo in an exam (experienced that one too)! When you know the topic that would come out in a 1question 30mark CA! Kai! Lecturers wicked sha! The second one that I am coming to know is the ‘knowing God has a plan but not knowing the exact plan’ kinda knowing. Aahh… It’s taking me some time too… It takes a considerable amount of trust in God’s love and His kindness towards me. I’m not exactly used to folks being sincere without an ulterior motive, from growing up issues. However, I’m having to deal with all these issues so I can trust God. It can be difficult at times. Just like Abraham in Genesis 22 could find it in his heart to trust a God that asked him, point blank to go kill his son! That takes, not guts, but trust, based on experience!

Check this, you are a Ibo/American/Tutsi man/ex soldier who experienced the war and was saved, through many trails, adventures and life threatening circumstances,not a couple, but many, by a Hausa/Afghanistan/Hutu man/soldier who has, over the years, after the war, become your blood brother. Despite your many differences, you trust him like you would yourself because he has proven, just as you have, that you share a bond that supersedes history, current affairs and tribal/racial differences. Actually, the brotherhood thingy kinda came for scenarios like this. Anywayz, before I go off again (goodness, my thoughts are erratic!), that scenario is kinda where Abraham and God were. As a matter of fact, they had cut a blood covenant!

They had been through some serious shit (forgive my uncultured Spanish) stuff together! Jehovah (blessed forever more) had seen Abraham through deserts, wife snatching cannibals, hysterical drama with wife and mistress, death in the hands of two pharaohs and 5 kings… These stuff might sound like ‘Gladiator 2’ to you, but they were mean realities of those times. It took a blood brother, a kindred spirit, a true blood, to stand by you, fight with you (must have the capacity else his presence becomes a burden) back to back, and celebrate with you after all is won and not turn on you out of sheer boredom. Abraham and God had been through all that, their relationship had survived the worst possible physical, emotional and psychological turmoils (Lot’s departure, delivering him from slavery, the loss of Lot’s wife (with Abraham being in the know ahead of the event! How traumatizing! 😦 ), his wife’s disbelief of his encounters with God (hence her laughing at the ‘Angels’ prophecy), woman dramas that tested his faith, God’s forgiveness afterwards,leaving his people in Ur, being laughed at for a name that mocked his childlessness). They had been through major fraking shit together! And through it all, God remained constant, faithful and true to His promises. I noticed that all through the account on Abraham, the promises never changed. It never went higher or lower. It was always the same (and still is today). And when it looked like major crap was about to hit the fan (as a result of Abraham’s actions or responses to God’s instructions), God would always show up, come through, represent sha (threaten Abimelech and that other Pharaoh dude in a dream, defeat 5 nations with Abraham’s less than 300 (or thereabouts) servants…) And that made Abraham even trust Him more. They were blood tied (Genesis 12) and he could trust this Pardner, this Pardner was a good Pardner. He could go back to back with this Pardner… He didn’t fear to circumsize himself and all the men living under him, in the middle of the desert, surrounded by potential enemies (remember, Abraham was stupendously rich. And everyone knew. He could have been attacked, his women taken, his only son killed…), so when this Pardner asked for his son, Abraham could only ‘know’ there was a plan. he didn’t have the details. But somehow, he figured, in his heart (oh, the beauty of being led by the Spirit of God), that this was in the plan. He could see something significant, vaguely, distant, but he could see this sacrifice he was being asked to make somehow benefiting him… He just knew…! That just fills my heart with joy unspeakable! (I feel like dancing round my office and then skipping home!)

And so when Abraham took Isaac to the top of Hebron, he was saying, like Paul said:

For the which cause I also suffer these things: nevertheless I am not ashamed: for I know whom I have believed, and am persuaded that he is able to keep that which I have committed unto him against that day. (2Tim. 1:12)

This type of knowing comes from a relationship. When the Bible said that He would never put on us more than we can bear, I used the get the picture of God teaching me how to lift weights. I thpugt, well, it’s my job to continue to increase my capacity, it’s His job to test me periodically with temptation. I think I was wrong. I don’t think that passage was talking about an exam, that would be a legalistic God.

But now brethren, THERE IS GRACE! (Oh, I sound so kasko!)

I think now, that my opinion on that scripture is that God will take me through the process that would prepare me for my next test. And just as peeps who go to Igbinedion University and Babcock never have extras, I cannot fail a test that God sets for me! (When it looks like you failed is another topic for another day). Why? Cos, he set the questions, then he came back and taught me the topics in accordance with how the questions will come out! He gave me the expo! And it gets better! He’s marking my script! Oh wow…! Better still, He’s the only one on the Board that sets the cut off, issues the certificates and approves graduation! It is total cheating on my behalf!! lol!

Look at Abraham’s story, God started him from “Yo, ‘Bram, do you think you are mad, hearing voices or ‘this is Jehovah talking to ya’?” to “Dude, I need your son’s blood for my feast in the clouds tonight”. He didn’t get there over night… He got there through God’s patience and his willingness to obey and follow God. It took over 30years, but he made it that far. And because of what Abraham did, today, we all have grace. We were that speck that Abraham saw, ‘knew’ and gave him the confidence to follow through. Now, I’m wondering, what is this speck that I am seeing…?

Yes, I’m done with the intro, now back to my original topic.

Good, better, Perfect.  Another time, I guess… lol!

It’s just emotions

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I can imagine how colourful my hormones are… They tend to be conflicting most of the time these days. I never thought I could manage them so well, ever! I guess Paul knew what he was talking about when he said “my grace is sufficient for you.”Or in this case, when God said.

Everyone talks about us all having a constant sin that could easily beset, or an “angel of the devil sent to buffet (what ancient English!) us. I think I may have discovered mine. It’s not a bad thing, or a wrong thing, or a weakness. I just have it in excess. Lately, I have realised that it seems to be at the root of almost every major mishap and major success I have had. You know how they warn you when you are getting married or getting into a relationship, how they say it’s the thing you love the most about your partner that would likely drive you up against the wall..? How they say what you like ’em for may become what you’ll come to hate the most about them? I guess it’s the same thing for me. (OMGee, I’m in a relationship with myself! Cripes! Never thought it would get this bad!!!!)Ok, what is this De-gel (gerrit? Demon-Angel?)? It’s eerr… emotions.

What? Emotions? You have got to be kidding me!

I kid you not.

It’s my strongest and may be my weakness point. I am a passionate person. I have a result-driven side which I have learnt to develop, but largely, it’s about passion for me. Friendship, socializing, sex, relationships, God, work, career, plans… Everything I have experienced in life and everything I look forward to, is always something I am passionate about! I can not explain why I am like that, but I am. Sigh…

Now, what brought this on? You see, cos of the way I am, I am sometimes (ok, maybe most times) drawn naturally to passionate dudes (yes, this is also about men) and I am coming to realize that expressing passion for men is different from what it is for women. Before I digress, let me just say the story. I developed this habit recently. Ok, recently as in April recently. And I fear that I may be getting passionate about what was meant to be quite surface and peripheral.

I fear that I shall not be able to go into details. I am much too exhausted with thoughts. I have decided however, that a withdrawal is necessary. The form that it will take is yet unclear to me. Does God really get muddled in this kinda mess…? I know His word says He watches over me carefully and affectionately, it’s just difficult to imagine Him getting into this fracas my emotions have become. Falling in and out of crush repeatedly in quick successions… And no, it’s not what you think!

I need you, Father! I need your voice and your wisdom. I need the comfort and courage it brings. There are so many, and I really do want it all. Help me to identify the fufilment in your will. This I ask, sincerely, in Jesus’ name. Amen.

Sigh.

So many things I need to know… I think I think too much sef! And I am not even going to stop and ponder on that!

Round and round in circles

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There has to be something I do that’s wrong…

“Pure Love. Loyalty. Presence. Passion. Attention. Security. The gifts of life. A teacher. An inspirer. A catalyst for your gifts”

I have lost two almost friends and one very good friends already this year (hers is a long story). And I lost another buddy too… sigh. No, they did not die. I have exhausted my share of dieing loved ones, thank you. They just are not my friends anymore. For some reason, something I said or did turned them the wrong way. Usually, it’s the encoding/decoding problem. And while trying not to be overly concerned bout it, maybe I sound too carefree or my worry shows somehow. I’m just slightly upset at the mo. I will get over it.

Maybe I should try bridging the gap. If you been here for a bit, you’ll know that’s not my forte.

Father, you know me well. You know how much I value my almost-relationships and even the ones that finally become one. You know how selective I am about people that I allow into my life, at whatever level. You know how scared shitless I can be when new people begin to matter to me. And you know how clueless I am when things go sour. You see how horribly I handle what should otherwise be damage control. I wish I could ask you for a damage free process. But I know that will not be sweet. It’s in the damages that our friendships become deep. And you know how much I love deep. Especially if the person speaks a language I speak.

I need your help right now, Father. I need help to build these bridges. I don’t even know where to start. And yes, I admit that it hurts. It’s very confusing, and the pain, however slight can be a bit distracting. Help me set this in right perspective. And help me, even though I am so chicken, I start always with the easiest. You are the only one who looks at my heart. See it again, this time, Lord and give me the opportunities to mend what may have been broken. And if there is a pattern of behavior I need to change, you know you can always talk to me. If I listen to no one, I always will listen to you. I dont want this pain anymore. I dont want to lose any one again. Let it be that the ones who don’t stay were either borrowed or given away. I value my human treasures, Lord. Especially the ones that ‘be’ like me.

I really dont know what to ask for, so I’ll stay with ‘help me’. I want to go forward now. Dont let this pain of losing take me back again. This I pray, in the name of your Son, Jesus.

Amen.

I do not walk alone

I’m sheltered daily by the Father’s love

He has called me His own

And slowly I have learned to trust

I do not stand alone

We gather together ound the shepherd’s feet

I and the ones I’ve known

I and my little company

I’d rather work with you

And hold your hand as we merrily dance

It’ll always be us two

We’ll seize the moment and take the chance

I cannot walk alone

I’ve come to need the company

And as you come and go

Remember what you mean to me

(Don’t know what else to say jare. I shall trymaking amends now. Somebody spare me a prayer?)

Random

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OMG, I have to respect the man I marry!!! He has to be bigger than me in my eyes! I’ve got to look up. Him,rust his opinion and be able to willingly give in to his judgement. That I cannot do begrudgingly for too long! I will come to dislike him for making me act ‘lesser’ than I think! Lol! He has to be amazing! Totally fantabulously grand!!! Larger than life, in my eyes! I don’t like noisy, all-around-the-place guys! I like them cool, calm, oozing confidence! Gentle! Smooth! Yelx!! OMG, if only he wasn’t married… iSigh!

Lol!

I am sitting beside my most senior boss, we are going for a meeting, and I’m thinking, ‘wow, what an amazing guy he is’! Lol! Check this, he finished with a 1st class from my alma mata. He’s a brainiac that knows how to parrei! Lol! (Oh geez, I’m excited about a married man… *sign of the cross*)! He just wrote his CFA level 3, I’m doing level 1 in December. He’s just… amazing… in my eyes! His wife is such a lucky lucky bugger! *insert minced beef here*

I must marry a man I totally look up to like this! Else, we are both in trouble! Lol! Ok, end of random, bye!