I am changing…

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Have you seen Dreamgirls..? Don’t worry, I’m not a Sasha Fierce fan, I just love a good reflective movie… Anywayz, like most movies I have loved, I have seen the movie like too many times. And each time another scene turns on the waterworks. But one scene in particular, always gets me… Effie hadn’t sang in a while. She’d raised her daughter, she’d hidden from her dreams, she’d snapped at everybody every time, she’d worked up a nyasty attitude, but she hadn’t sang… Maybe in the bathroom she did, maybe to Magic, when she was still a baby. But never in public. And when she sang that day at Marty’s friend’s bar, she sang the song that consoles me whenever I’m feeling like this. Oh yeah, she’d given the usual nyasty attitude, the guy was just about to walk out on her!! Oh well… *sigh*

Many times after unpleasant experiences, I ask myself why I act the way I do. And just as I’m beating myself down, I remember, I am changing. I’m not the way I was the last time. It might be taking a while, but I’m better at it than I was before. It’s not an excuse to absolve myself, and even if it were, I am changing.

My heart has changed, my views are not the same. Whilst my values remain grounded in God’s word, I am open to diverging interpretations. I’m loving more, trusting more and expecting less. The scales are forever moving, adjusting to accommodate every thrust of life over and over and over again. Yes, the process may be tiring, cos I love predictability and thrive of stability. But I’m getting a hang of it, cos as it twists and turns, I am changing.

And despite this craziness happening on my inside, despite this madness, I keep the smile, or try to. I do not show up blue today and brown tomorrow. I’m sticking with aqua marine, royal and sky blue…. and maybe a hint of yellow too lol! I’m walking shades, not tones cos I’m still wanting some uniformity. But, I am changing. My dreams remain, it’s my attitude to them that doesn’t. If I’m high today, I make sure tomorrow I’m level high to make room for the next day’s high. It’s an exciting life, this one I’m living now. There’s always so much that can happen. And that’s just because I opened up my heart to changes. I’m happier now than I used to be. Though I’m busier now, I don’t get worked up so easily. I love the new me. Can’t say for how long it will be… *smiles* I am changing…

I AM CHANGING – Written by Tom Eyen and Henry Krieger

Look at me, Look at me
I am changing
Trying every way I can
I am changing
I’ll be better than I am
I’m trying to find a way to understand
But I need you, I need you
I need a hand
I am changing
Seeing everything so clear
I am changing
I’m gonna start right now, right here
I’m hoping to work it out
And I know that I can
But I need you, I need a hand

All of my life I’ve been a fool
Who said I could do it all alone
How many good friends have I already lost?
How many dark nights have I known?

Walking down that wrong road
There was nothing I could find
All those years of darkness
Could make a person blind
But now I can see

I am changing
Trying every way I can
I am changing
I’ll be better than I am
But I need a friend
To help me start all over again
That would be just fine
I know it’s gonna work out this time
‘Cause this time I am
This time I am
I am changing
I’ll get my life together now
I am changing
Yes I know how
I’m gonna start again
I’m gonna leave my past behind
I’ll change my life
I’ll make a vow and nothings gonna stop me now

Maybe not exactly those descriptions, but I’m still in the mix. Gotta go…

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