Monthly Archives: May 2010

I am changing…

Standard

Have you seen Dreamgirls..? Don’t worry, I’m not a Sasha Fierce fan, I just love a good reflective movie… Anywayz, like most movies I have loved, I have seen the movie like too many times. And each time another scene turns on the waterworks. But one scene in particular, always gets me… Effie hadn’t sang in a while. She’d raised her daughter, she’d hidden from her dreams, she’d snapped at everybody every time, she’d worked up a nyasty attitude, but she hadn’t sang… Maybe in the bathroom she did, maybe to Magic, when she was still a baby. But never in public. And when she sang that day at Marty’s friend’s bar, she sang the song that consoles me whenever I’m feeling like this. Oh yeah, she’d given the usual nyasty attitude, the guy was just about to walk out on her!! Oh well… *sigh*

Many times after unpleasant experiences, I ask myself why I act the way I do. And just as I’m beating myself down, I remember, I am changing. I’m not the way I was the last time. It might be taking a while, but I’m better at it than I was before. It’s not an excuse to absolve myself, and even if it were, I am changing.

My heart has changed, my views are not the same. Whilst my values remain grounded in God’s word, I am open to diverging interpretations. I’m loving more, trusting more and expecting less. The scales are forever moving, adjusting to accommodate every thrust of life over and over and over again. Yes, the process may be tiring, cos I love predictability and thrive of stability. But I’m getting a hang of it, cos as it twists and turns, I am changing.

And despite this craziness happening on my inside, despite this madness, I keep the smile, or try to. I do not show up blue today and brown tomorrow. I’m sticking with aqua marine, royal and sky blue…. and maybe a hint of yellow too lol! I’m walking shades, not tones cos I’m still wanting some uniformity. But, I am changing. My dreams remain, it’s my attitude to them that doesn’t. If I’m high today, I make sure tomorrow I’m level high to make room for the next day’s high. It’s an exciting life, this one I’m living now. There’s always so much that can happen. And that’s just because I opened up my heart to changes. I’m happier now than I used to be. Though I’m busier now, I don’t get worked up so easily. I love the new me. Can’t say for how long it will be… *smiles* I am changing…

I AM CHANGING – Written by Tom Eyen and Henry Krieger

Look at me, Look at me
I am changing
Trying every way I can
I am changing
I’ll be better than I am
I’m trying to find a way to understand
But I need you, I need you
I need a hand
I am changing
Seeing everything so clear
I am changing
I’m gonna start right now, right here
I’m hoping to work it out
And I know that I can
But I need you, I need a hand

All of my life I’ve been a fool
Who said I could do it all alone
How many good friends have I already lost?
How many dark nights have I known?

Walking down that wrong road
There was nothing I could find
All those years of darkness
Could make a person blind
But now I can see

I am changing
Trying every way I can
I am changing
I’ll be better than I am
But I need a friend
To help me start all over again
That would be just fine
I know it’s gonna work out this time
‘Cause this time I am
This time I am
I am changing
I’ll get my life together now
I am changing
Yes I know how
I’m gonna start again
I’m gonna leave my past behind
I’ll change my life
I’ll make a vow and nothings gonna stop me now

Maybe not exactly those descriptions, but I’m still in the mix. Gotta go…

In the begining

Standard

‘It’s been a long time coming, this my becoming’

Wrote a piece called becoming sometime ago. At the time, I felt like I had just gone through a re-definition phase and I had finally become me. You can imagine my surprise when, months after, I realised ‘it’ wasn’t done yet. And like echoes in an empty room, that line keeps coming to me:
‘It’s been a long time coming, this my becoming’

Anyhoo, I can say this has been the most frightfuk, the most adventurous and the most fulfilling thing I’ve done in my almost 30 odd years of existince. I have practically lived on the brink of insanity these past few months. I sometimes feel I’m still there. The norm has ceased to make sense. My thirst for something that matter, something that counts, has led me to selflessness, through selfishness, all the way back to self-centeredness and healthy liberality. And in the end, it all begins to make some form of sense now. How I have to live for me to be able to live for another, how it has to matter to me, for me before I can be successful about it. Ramblings, aye? I understand.

All in all, I think I am wiser now. I realise that I am nothing, know nothing, asides the cords that God in his wisdom has bound me with, and the yokes that he has bound me to. And, yikes! I have become friends with my fears. I realised that I could not conquer them all, at least not within months. I figure that since it took me all these years to fortify the fears, it would take a while to pull them down. So, rather than fight them all and lose to them all, I have made friends with some of them and conquered the ones that stood no chance. My new friends… they may not visit often, but I’m not taken aback when they show up. I am prepared for their appearances, and I take their visits in stride. We don’t fight anymore, this time, we, my fears, strenghts and I, are all working together to make a better me.

And yes, in this time I have made new friends too (physical friends). Re-classified some, upgraded few… All in all, its been a revealing experience! One particular friend listens, another one prods me in whatever direction I choose to go. Then I have one with whom I feel quite useful, cos I’m always a shoulder to lean on. I’m still waiting for the one who sticks closer than a brother. The one who my tears will not scare or irritate. Like one of my new friends said, “an inspirer, a catalyst for my gifts”. I like that last one. Eeaanyways, this is the official launching of ze blog. I will try to be constant and funny and witty and all that. I can’t promise to match your type of humor. But I can promise to be real. Honest. And share, from the depths of my heart. I hope it will make you laugh and make you smile. I am also praying it will encourage you too. Just as much as I have been encouraged by some of you.

Become(ing)

It’s been long coming
this my becoming
these days have been merely rehash
the clouds had been forming
this morning’s glory
a minute before the priestly ash
and while I was waiting
patiently seething
concealing the feelings i do not know
i tried pretending
borrowing and lending
parts of me or not that don’t fit so
and now beguiling
the little deceptions
and tricks that matter less than me
I’m slowly rewinding
and forwadly sliding
transforming today on my knees
in quiet reformation
void of adulation
i worship the patience of the Creator’s hands
for while He was forming
I did not relent in turning
to twist my way out of fastening bands
though clearly He saw me
believing right through me
He took his love farther than I could ask
its been long coming
this my becoming
like light after a hot dark day
and now as i am forming
and as He keeps lording
I no more fear the fruits of stay.

Eerr.. Sorry, something’s on teevee that I don’t wanna miss. Ciao!