It af tey o

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Mehn, the dust and cobwebs in this joint are enough to fill a city! Once upon a time, writing used to be my healing. For some reason, I just can’t… I think I’m just lazy *insert lazy smiley*

Oh well, I’m gonna try to turn this around. Come here more often. Pick up my stensils and draw more words… Maybe I’d find that place again.

 

Been reading some pretty awesome stuff though. UBetty, TMan, MDania and their crew, Pretty amazing writers. I’m gonna be like them when I grow up. Mwl, I was at Tera on Sunday!!! *insert victory dance* Haven’t been able to go there in years! Kai! Ghosts of hopes of the past! lol! It was good. Really good. So good that I’m going to watch another one this weekend! Yay me!! I saw this hauntingly perfect painting that I swear was done for me. It was a child, little defiant, frightened, determined, cheeky, troubled, scared shitless, scarred, beautiful, precocious little child. Peeking from behind the door/wall. Wondering what doom/freedom lies beyond/coming again? I guess I am that child in many ways. Living in the past and always dreaming about the future. The future is now. It’s here, today. And I’m living it like I’m the child of the past. And I’m not. I’m a woman. Full blown woman. I have to believe this. I need to accept it, need to move on from the past. Else I’ll never live this future, ever. I wish it was easy. Can’t even say I know how. But I believe all my experiences, all my joys, pains, triumphs and trials have led up to this day, the day I started to live. No more holding out for tomorrow. Carpe diem is now a revelation. I have lost too many days, waiting for the day I’d be free. I even got free and didn’t know it! Imagine!

Anyway… I love to learn so this is a new lesson for me. I’m going back to my childhood faiths. I’m gonna live, full time!

kisses

About Buckets and Lists

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I know I should say I’m ckearinf cobwebs and all what-nots… Let’s say teh cleaning company does a great job, so no cobwebs here! The last 2 years have been… trying! My writing has suffered more than anything else. Partly because now a days I feel too much. I am getting human :D So, I’m coming up with a bucket list of things I wanna do before I’m 40.

Watch this space! ;)

Caterpillar Series 5: One plea

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Just as I am without one plea
But that thy blood
Was shed for me
But as you bid me come to thee
Oh Lamb of God, I come
I come…

And this time I come with my bags and baskets full. Full of every disappointment, every hurt, every failed promise, every dashed expectation. I come with hope. Hope for new dreams, hope of the fulfilment of old ones. I come because only You can help me. I’m frail and tired… I have tried a lot of things in my strenght, and each time I’ve failed. It’s not that I like to challenge You or anything… I think you made me a ‘doer’, an ‘action lady’, in a good way, I think… But mixing with this flesh I carry, it tends to appear like a bad thing. I get ahead of myself often. And more often, ahead of You. And then when everything fails and/or I get disappointed again, I say You’ve disaapointed me again. I’m sorry. Really sorry. You have nothing but love for me. And I’m not easy to love…

So, my house hunting abi? I was really sad at the turn of events today but I trust You to work out the best for me. I know You don’t ‘make do’. I don’t expect You to ‘make do’ with me. So I’ll wait for Your best. And eerr… You know we don’t have so much time..? Yeah, okay, got it!

I love You too.

Caterpillar Series 4: When God says ‘NO!’ *insert evil angry smiley*

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I’m not a religious person, and lately I’ve been a bit of an unbeliever. I’ve severally acted contrary to thoughts I’d professed and words I’d once believed. And since actions speak much louder than words, I wonder if I still believe… Anyway, that’s not the point of this post. I used to canvass (vehemently and passionately) several opinions about the way God responds to human pleas. Forgive my presumtous attitude, but I kind of assumed that God would have a ‘way He operates’. I’m not sure if He does. And maybe his not having a way is His way… *sigh*

Back to my point, I’m sure you’ve heard this before. “When you pray, God either says ‘Yes!’, ‘No’ or ‘Hold On A Bit’. I never agreed. But lately, in my life, I’m beginning to wonder if my superior thinking has not become my undoing. Godd’s word says His promises to us are ‘Yes and so be it’. I also know that my experiences do not define God, only His Word does (I’m not even gonna debate what that is/should be). But there has to be a link or connection somehow. His Word cannot reveal His power if it doesn’t have a life to transform. Yeah, I know, we have trees and sparkling blue rivers and flowers (and lately hurricanes and sand storms) to testify and all that, but how many people connect the greatness of God to the Chrysanthemums in their gardens??? When we scream that God is ‘awesome’ we are typically more often than not referring to a transformed life or a miracle with a man involved. So, why won’t God be great in MY life??? All I ever asked was to be…… And what’s worse is that He has never really said no to everything, more like ‘ok… aite… let’s see how it goes…’. And its been frustrating, excruciating and heart breaking waiting for Him to ‘give’ the final answer. I still don’t have it yet.

So what do I do? How do I ‘occupy’ while God’s still saying no? What can I do to make Him review his former position and approve my requisitions?

I have a few ideas, but not yet the answer. I believe the end is proof of ‘rightness’ of the means…

1. God never says ‘NO’.
As I say this, I bite myself. Cos ev every hurt in me says I lie. But His word is Truth. He said I ask and I don’t get it when I ask in response to my greed or lust. But I’m not. I just want the simple things… Whatever the blurs in my head, in my heart, I know, He never says no. He’d never ever ever turn me down.

2. God nevers says ‘maybe’, ‘hold on’ or ‘not yet’.
Back to the ‘asking amiss’ theory. You can ask out of time, it don’t mean he said ‘not yet’. Your ‘manifestation’ may just take a while longer… (Sounds like religious hogwash, but no other way I could say it). Bottom line, its in His Word(as in on the menu, available in heaven)? He says Yes!

3. Know the 2 points above and believe them.

4. Get on with the rest of your life.
I’m sure you have other things you live for beyond this present need… Yeah, keep living.

5. Get angry. Get mad. But don’t stay there
I don’t know how else to say this… Just don’t stay mad. Be consciously grateful for all the other stuff you got. Like life, clothes, family (if you have ‘em) e.t.c.

6. Don’t be afraid to think through your doubts with God.
One thing I know, God isn’t afraid of a man thinking…

I’m still in this process so I’ll let you know how it ends when I get out ;)

Caterpillar Series 3 – Fairy tales

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I just read @nakedconvos, ‘SCARS’. I hate such stories. They make me sad. For a silly reason, I know, but I don’t care. To sound more petulant, I’m listening to Anita Baker’s ‘Fairytales’ as I type, hating every guy that has ever been in my life, for good or bad. Hating them for hurting me, for not staying, for making me let go. It’s silly, I know. But I’m having a moment here, do you mind? *sigh*

When I was ypunger, I used to dream of the perfect romance. There was really not ‘prototype’ around for me to work with, so I made do with my wild imagination. And the 90’s Hollywood ofcourse. In my fantasy, I’d meet Mr. Right in early uni days, we’d either hate or love each other from the start, or maybe just be friends and grow into eternal romance. Either way, we’d both be kids and then grow old together. He’d know me in and out, love me through and through and be my dream come true. I’d be his biggest fan, his buddy, his sounding board and object of his maddest fantasy. We’ll go through hell together and stick together. We’d have stories of hard times, fun times, good times, crappy times… We’ll have stories of all the times! He’d watch me become a woman, grow and come into my own. I’d watch him become his own man, love and want to kill him at the same time all through, but I’d never want to leave him. He’d protect me with his life, swear to die for me and mean it. We’d have our 5th year anniversary before we finally tie the knot. We’ll be happy together.

It didn’t happen that way. At all!

I was single for all of my teen age years (if you don’t add the dysfunctional liaison bit) and most of my twenties. The relationships I’ve had haven’t been the most fuflfilling. There was always one key ingridient missing… He likes me but I couldn’t see the future with him in it… I like him but he didn’t think I was ‘the one’… We like each other but… And everytime I cried my heart out with blood, I told myself Mr. Right was out there somewhere. Until I stopped being 20-something. Now I know he’s run off and married someone else. Now I have to wait for the realistic, pragmatic man in his 30’s that has his life mapped out and just wants to settle down. I can’t be caught wanting butterflies, giddy laughter and dreamy looks. I must be insane to want soft kisses and gentle brushing of my cropped hair. Why would he just hold my hand and watch me blush? When he has board meetings, client sites and probably 2 other chics waiting for the opportunity to show him how good a wife they can be? Probably better than me. Cos, I’d rather a washing machine than my hands in lather. Not like I grew up pampered… But I do love an opportunity to laze around.

So, here I am, angry and disappointed in my fantasies. They led me to this point where I’m not even sure what I feel about what I think everyone thinks should be what I should consider my prioroties where family is concerned. Worse of all, I can’t every grow up with him, ever! He’s all grown up now, and so am I. We have few tales to share. We’ll never take aimless meaningless walks non-stop for days… We’ve got work and other things. Plus Lagos isn’t that safe, is it? You see what I mean? I’ve been cheated out of this game. By myself, by my choices, and maybe circumstances. Bottom line, no longer living life in ‘paradise’, no fairytales…

Caterpillar Series: 2.0 – Greedy Green Goblin Mine

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It just so happens that green is my favourite colour. Light shades of green. There’s something quiet and demure about it. Its pretty, it’s not overly sugary sweet (I’m not overly sugary sweet), it’s cool and refreshing. It’s kind of like me. It blends. Anyway, I digress…

I want so many things! *sigh* Sometimes I feel like I’m a city spirit stuck on a village farm with no transport out of the jungle for the next century. *sigh* I’m really not bound by anything but me. But… *sigh again* I really need to live my life. And I know how. I guess I should start, shey? Anyway, this post is about all the things I think I want!

1. I want to be rich!!!!
I realised that this is not really based on how much I earn right now. I believe that everyone has an opportunity to be rich. I won’t say more than that.

2. I want to be a private ‘socialite’
Whatever that is supposed to mean. Bottom line, I wanna have my private life, but then, I wanna be in the recognised in the ‘circles’ for my amazing accomplishments (structuring the biggest deals ever, overwhelming charity works, role model-ish kinda things). I admit that the feelings that come with this are not that bad. I don’t like to be in the public eye, but I do enjoy being talked about, for good. So, yeah, public mouth will do ;)

3. I want to travel the world!!!
Boat cruises, 24 hour flights to exotic locations, world tour like vacations, 10.00 a.m. deal signings in Tokyo after a 9.00 p.m. deal closure in Brussels the day before, family trips, tourist attractions, 2nd, 3rd, 15th honeymoons, the whole works! Take loads and loads of pictures, shopping!!!!! Yeah, that life… I want it too. :)

4. I want my own Jolie-ism
I definitely am adopting, not sure I’ll be doing Vietnam though. I understand the pain of living without the warmth that family brings. I’d like to prevent that for some kids. Apart from adoption, I wanna be actively involved in foster care. I have a few ideas of my own about how too…

5. I don’t know how to tag this so I’d just explain it somehow. I have a bit of it already and I’m expecting it to increase in its magnitude. I want to wake up happy, joyful and delirious with gratitude every morning. I have such a great life already and it gets a lot better everyday. It’s not without the ups and downs of everyday life. Still had a teary moment a few minutes ago while introspecting on a few minor details. I like it that way. I don’t want a fairy tale. I prefer this charmed life that I’m living. I’m growing, I’m more aware, and I’m loving. Me, my life and the amazing opportunities I have! It does get difficult at times. But the beauty of life is in both the sweetness and the pain (life and sex have a lot in common, you see ;) ). And I’m game for it.

I recently got to the end of the dark tunnel towards the end, it was a lot of nothingness… But, I’m out! This caterpillar is soon sprouting wings!

Caterpillar Series – 1.5

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Today, I was a chicken. I didn’t stand by my word… Or maybe the purpose for it was over? I think I gave in, caved in, quit. I couldn’t bear the pain any longer. I had commended myself for it, but then again it looked like foolishness. Maybe the easy way out is what I can take… Maybe I am right… Maybe I would still have to pay… Maybe it’s done… Whatever it is, I know my sun came out the second I got your reply. And I became a thousand tonnes lighter. And I got my strength renewed… Maybe you are good for me after all…

I decided to start over with faith too. Like a child, just like Jesus said. So, I’m gonna hear it all for the very first time. And believe it like it’s never failed. There is something about me and this month…

My friend helped me out with fresh job targets today! Something to look forward to! Should be doing a lot of going out this week. That reminds me, I still need a maga. This purse is… *sigh*

My little nephew’s got malaria. For the first time I supported his mom backing his 3 year old bumbum (kinda weird to use ass for a child, right?). He will be fine.

I’m sure it’s obvious I’m somehow floating above all my messes :D I will be home tomorrow to face my music. But I won’t be alone again. I hope the Bank doesn’t come this week. I hope they wait until I’m settled elsewhere. It will be a miracle. I realised that I stopped outrightly asking God for anything cos I stopped believing he’d ever give me anything I ask… But I’m gonna ask again before I sleep. For a job and a new home. And a new name. Just like Job (thank you, mwajim).

I didn’t run after you today. Maybe I’m back to basics now. I sincerely hope so. Would hate to have to miss you like that again. This post is not about you. It’s about me, and how I became a butterfly.

xoxo